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Have you ever felt low and demoralized without having any particular reason. That exactly how I have been feeling lately. Somehow you are demoralized of the uncertain future that at times shed by cloudy days. I was once thinking that I might be suffering from bipolar. It is due to the fact that I feel like being a ping pong ball bounces between the two extreme poles of feeling. It does not necessarily mean I have been triggered or such. I just feel helpless and totally irrational about it. I am not sure if many people have this although (if this is the case of bipolar) many have documented scientific research done on that. It is not harmful yet it is no fun to have one.

A friend of mine asked me why I spent too much time and energy to make myself feel down. Why not channel the energy somewhere else? I do not know nor do I have any ideas. I just feel that way and when the feeling somehow made to feel certain way I can not force it to instead feel another way. It is like being traped in a room placed in the middle of a gigantic spring with fixed ends. I just goes up and down or swing left and right without having any power to stop it. I would more than happy if I know how to channel my energy and to switch that buttong that control the way I should feel.

O gosh, it is so hard to be positive. It is even harder to know that it is not helping to be un-positive and thus I TRY to be positive. The thing is the more I try to be positive the more I seem to crack and feel down again. It is like a cycle.

I am not trying to be negative or anything I just try to stop to go against what I feel naturally. By naturally I mean I did not create the feeling they just there.