Hey April!

I have not been posting anything new since February ended. I guess it was primarily due to the fact that I was overloaded with things to finish all those while. Anyways, March had been mildly interesting especially my indulgence in the weekend going out and clubbing started to feel as a routine and this spoiled the fun nature of it. Now that I talked about it, I stumbled across a video which explained why metaphetamine is considered to be the most dangerous drug exists. Not only that it triggered addiction but also due to the fact that it killed the "pleasure" by overwhelm our brain with unnatural dose of this particular enzyme that trigger the sense of pleasure. Inundating our brain with this overwhelming unit number of this enzyme eventually shut down the mechanism that receives this enzyme and hence kills our ability to sense pleasure. Scary eh? Thus dont take DRUGS!
Anyway my whole point is, I guess, that like everything in life it shan't be of over-the-top quantity. And that is when the challenge kick in. We, human being, has the tendency to seek the endless pursuit of pleasure fulfillment. We eat, we have sex, we drink, etc. All in the name of pleasure. In the name of the release of that particular enzyme in our brain that trigger the sensation. The sensation of feeling pleasure. Thus keeping up the right balance of the activities of what may trigger it in a proportional dosage might be a giant challenge for those who do not have enough self control. I probably belong to this group. Yea.
I started going out early this year. It was a purely erratic decision one find weekend evening that I decided to grab a drink or two. I went in, I felt the groove, I made friends, before I knew it I was dancing with strangers whom I had no clues about. The music, the lighting, the overwhelming crowd, the unusual attitude of the people it was all so fun and amusing. Then I kept coming back the next weeek, and the week afer that. And before I knew it I have always wanted to just come back. Although, it is the same people who come every weekend. Although, it is the same songs being played. Stilll, I want to go back. I am not quite sure if it started to become a routine as I am not a person who advocate routine.
Anway my March had been pretty much about going out and going out.

Let me Embark on My Journey

It is like the day that rises from behind the mountain unveiling the darkness that spreads coldness and eeriness of the night. Slowly it rose, hesitant and vulnerable. Persistently the mighty night exert is power to defeat the yellow circle that started to emerge its full shape creating forms and shapes of silhouette illuminating the backside of those. The fresh air burst in to lungs of the asleeps. Sheeps and Sheppard already awake. Enthusiastically thinking about the land beyond the mountain and the grass field. Keep walking perhaps towards the east, to the great philosophers that speak foreign languages. Or maybe the west? where life is wild and people are tall. Probably to the south where they serve wine and speak the language of love. Or the north? Where the sky is painted with thread of color making shapes like curtain fall from heaven. I just want to walk and discover the new things my mind told me exist. About heroes defeating monsters and goddess whose beauty make the snake and Satan blind. About angels with wings and unicorns. About Love and Hate. About Jealousy about betrayal. About the faraway lands and fairies. I want to unravel and find it out myself. I am sick and tired of reading fairytale. Yes, Mother I am ready to find them out myself. Let me embark on my journey.

What is The Worst Thing?

Loss of motivation. Loss of drive to do that little extra that make that little difference in the outcome. Many of us have to deal with routine, many a times this routine lead us to monotonous lifestyle that eventually suck out all our passionate energy like the black hole. This thing happens.

I still remember very well how I used to dedicated at least four to five extra hours of studying on top of the ones that I have already spent in school. Yes, reading books and geeking at that! However nerdy and geeking and obsessive it may have seemed to people around me (this included my Mom), I could not imagine one day passed without me sitting down and just start reading some textbooks, playing with equations, or trying to understand the concept of evolution. It was plainly interesting to me, like the world unveil its mystery written down pages after pages in a thick textbook. Ah well, it was a five years ago.

Honestly, I have no ideas but for sure I know that I am not all that eager anymore to volunteer my self in reading page after page if not for preparing for exam. I have grown up to become a peson who is not all that into studying anymore. Well, though I must say that a few things still manage to get my attention in school. Anyways the point that I was thinking of bring across is that we all lose interest at some point.

Way before "my nerdish time" I had been an obsessively aspiring artist. I remembered vividly how one day I turned my bedroom into a painting studio that managed to freak out my mom. There was not one day that I spent without thinking about the possibility of making an image on canvas or combining different colors. I was so obsessed with painting. Until one day, again, I got sick and tired of it.

Now, after a bit of a soul-searching I realized that we got sick and tired of things when these things are not anymore considered relevant by you, by yourself! Meaning, doing this thing is not anymore something that you think you can benefit from in any way. Once your subconsciousness or intelligence came to realize this, you will sooner or later lose interest in it. I guess it is pretty much the same with relationship. and that is the worst thing in life. In my opinion.

You are an Internal AUDIT of your FUTURE!

At the beginning it was damn hard for me to grasp let alone to take at face value the concept of ourselves being the control of our outcome. I always blame it on the external factors whenever things did not turn out quite the way I wanted. I also give credit to the external factors whenever things did turn out the way I wanted. Now, if you are a believer of new age teaching, our outcome is indeed the result of our thoughts and FEELINGS that lead to action that eventually gave us the outcome that we religiously and faithfully keep in our mind. However, it is not all about keeping that image of what you want in your mind but also FEELING it.

By feeling I meant you need to keep touch-base with your internal voices/ your internal auditors/ that always tell you whether to go ahead or not. When you look around the most successful people around you most of them would say "LOVE" and "PASSION" had been the driving force towards their achievements. These words "LOVE" and "PASSION" is the resultant of variants of feelings that create this love, passion, (to a certain extent) obsession that every extra hours spent on working towards the achievement is felt like a blessing instead of hardwork. It is the process that brings joy and happiness to this successful people not so much the end result that brings them "success".

So do you see now the difference? When you are obsessed with something that it gives you joy and happiness when doing it, may it be writing a novel, may it be doing a research for the next cutting-edge technology, may it be practicing performance with your band, or anything under the sun you will definitely found your SUCCESS!

Now, the thing is you need to really know what it is that make you happy when you doing something. What it is that give you a self-worth of being an individual who is capable of doing something. What it is that you are highly passionate of doing. Ask these to yourself. Ask yourself.

It is your birth right to achieve greatness since the day you were born. The day you were born and started to speak, to walk , and to learn many other things, you also started to define your interest and passion. Have you ever been attracted to shape and colors when you were toddlers? Or probably sound and the different tone and timbre that it made when you hit two different objects together? or perhaps the way people talk always excited you? Many things. For sure there is at least that ONE thing that makes you get up and pay your fullest attention on that gives you happiness and joy merely when looking at it.

Find your PASSION!

What have you done today?

Have you ever asked that to yourself?

Being a person who is really good at making nothing done. Or I should say who up until some time in the past had been walking around with such understanding of him self. You see, you are what you thought of yourself yesterday, or just a second ago. You are not what you are. As it was eloquently written in the book "Friendship With God", we are the grandest vision of what we have of ourself that we create and invent everyday!

Anyway it is not the whole point of this posting although it has somehow a bit to do with it. So, the question what have you done today? really helped me getting things done and re-define my values and what I stand for and at the end of the chain define who I am. What have I done today? Is it surfing internet all day and just watching things that are not useful? Or is it start reading at journals for my final year project? What have I done today? I meant literally asked that to yourself!

Many times we get stuck in time and before we realized that it was too late to get out of the loop holes of being a bum. Asking "What have you done today?" Helped putting a mirror in front of your very eyes that screams the very thing that you need to be doing and finishing!

IT WORKS!

Anyway ask yourself "What have I done today?" And you will see the kind of control that it brings with it!

Happy Without Any Reason

This past two days I have been feeling in a strangely happy mood. I would call it mood because I can not find any particular reason that would be "reason" enough to feel happy. I just am happy. Now that I think about it, I would probably guess that it has something to do with the fact that I am starting to get a grip of my life again. By getting a grip I meant getting back to the normal rhythm. Going to school, doing some study or reading, getting focused and motivated. Once again. If I have to compare the state that I was in a week or two weeks ago, I was literally confused and unmotivated. I would think however that it was mood. Because it felt like I was just struck by some sort of "happy" cloud or lightning that out of a sudden changed the state of mood I had been in this past weeks.

Or perhaps, I just came out of the tunnel that I had managed to convinced my self a tunnel of depression. I really had no ideas. Though I believe it is just a matter of how we look at things in a slightly different angle, with a slightly different lightning that will give a different tone and nuance of your outlook of the world surrounds you.

The things is I just feel as if I am in a bliss... happy and happy... I want to stay in this state. Forever.

I havent slept in 20 hours!!! FYP!!!!

@library I havent slept since yesterday!

Why do we worries?

I worry. Have you ever worried? Surely, you have! how do you feel when you worry? Not at ease? for sure.

Worrying is definitely not helping. Nevertheless, we can't avoid or stop ourselves from being worried. Well, most of the time. Now, where does this feeling of uneasiness come from? From the way we see or perceive problems? From the way we define our issues? Or is it simply something that we can't explain? Something that just pops out like our mood? Or perhaps it is some sort of moods? I have no ideas myself.

I worry at times. I worry about things about things that may not at all be as bad as it, to me, may seem.

I have heard of this thing called "inner voice" or "internal guiding system" or "gut feelings". Question: Does it have anything to do with worries? Simply put, does it mean that whenever I worry that I gotta change the direction that I have been taking? Does it mean that I am going to the wrong path? Hmm not sure also. Fact is when I drink alcohol the worry seems to vanish. Does it mean that this is not a good parameter as to be classified as "an internal guiding system"? I wonder.

What do you do when you worry? Sometimes I sleep. "Things will get better when you wake up." That is a classic one. Or at other times, I try to find the root that may have caused my being worried. Face the problem! Go against the stream of your coward. Well, I just invented a new term "stream of coward" it is the stream that tend to go down the stream away from the problem, away from the raging wave, towards the warm nice shore. Avoiding.

Why do you worried? Hmm many reasons. Many answers. It varies. But I believe we worried, most of the time, due to the fact that we aren't certain. Uncertainty. We are not certain about what this or that may hold in our future. We are not certain if this or that is in the picture, as we wish it would be. We are not certain if this person is right for us. We worried. We worried. We worried. Does it help? Does it give us solution? I don't know. Where does solution come from? What is solution anyway?

Solution is probably the intersection between reality and expectation. Not quite! Hmm, well when we found the common denominator of the reality and our expectation, we feel happy. Don't we? Our uncertainty is answered. Then, if they don't intersect will we still be worried. Hmm then the worrying turn to become disappointment. We no longer worry yet we get disappointed.

First conclusion is worrying is a state of mind/feeling/mood that will manifest into fulfillment/joy/happiness, that is when our expectation and the reality intersects, or disappointment, that is when our expectation does not intersect with the reality.

Second conclusion/suggestion: Do not worry! Live in a day let go off what the future may hold, have faith and just live your life to the fullest at this moment, right now.

Manifestation Day 1

Recently I came across a very interesting book "Cosmic Ordering-The Next Adventure" by Barbel Mohr. The concept is nothing new. It revolves around the ideas that somewhat similar to that of law of attraction. However interestingly the book depicts the universe as a huge gigantic catalogue on which you need to have a faith that anything I mean ANYTHING that you request will be delivered. Free of charge! The condition is: You got to have a childlike faith!

By childlike faith it means have no doubts whatsoever! For example, I have sent out my request to the universe to send me 10,000 SGD and that I shall faithfully wait for it to be delivered to me, from the universe. For me it is an incredible IDEA. Also, very soothing!

Crush!?

Have you ever had a crush? Have you ever been disappointed?

I have crush(es). They come like the wind sometimes subtle sometimes strong. They blow the moment away that I need to find the balance that, I, momentarily lost in a split second due to the force that the wind exerted upon my body. Once I found my balance again, the wind had gone. The crush had gone. Now the air felt normal and things return to how it was before. That is crush.

Disappointment is a price that we paid due to expectation we exerted to opportunities, experience. It is not comfortable nor it is unnecessary. It is just the way it is. It is the way that our self develops and grow into a person that we are becoming. That we are inventing. Everyday.

Crush!?

Have you ever had a crush? Have you ever been disappointed?

I have crush(es). They come like the wind sometimes subtle sometimes strong. They blow the moment away that I need to find the balance that, I, momentarily lost in a split second due to the force that the wind exerted upon my body. Once I found my balance again, the wind had gone. The crush had gone. Now the air felt normal and things return to how it was before. That is crush.

Disappointment is a price that we paid due to expectation we exerted to opportunities, experience. It is not comfortable nor it is unnecessary. It is just the way it is. It is the way that our self develops and grow into a person that we are becoming. That we are inventing. Everyday.

Why do I want to be a Multimillionaire and How do I achieve it?

I want to be a millionaire. A multimillionaire that is. When I was a kid, the world appeared to be a place of infinite possibility. My natural fearless childlike instinct propelled to fearlessly dream. Despite of the dullness and boredom that many teenagers in my town found themselves to be inundated in, I always never successfully manage to bore my self. A world that I created in my world was always colorful and enchanting. Just like the Disney's movies.

Partly the reason could have been the fact that I was a huge fan of Disney's movie. Particularly, those that were hand drawn and those that promote stories of the underdogs who eventually found themselves somehow as heroes in the society. Also, I believe in my natural ability, as a kid, to always be able to create something up in my head that apparently always a lot more interesting than what the reality may offered.

Now that I am a sort of grown up young man, this ability seems to start to fade. Sadly, the reality that we all perceive as reality that equaled uniformity that equaled mainstream slowly settled in my way of doing things, of thinking, of perceiving. When I was a boy, I was just like Peter Pan. I never wished that I would grow up. I never thought that I would lose interest in things like the Atlantis, or the hidden treasures, or the fairies in the forests, or the half man half fish in the ocean, or the sandman, or the angels or things like that. The fact is I do. I do not find as many excitement anymore as I used to growing up as a little boy.

Am I whining?

I don't know. The fact is life does not seem to have its charm as enthralling and as enchanting as it used to be. Now that I am grown up and sort of understand the importance (read:comfort) that money may bring, the more the better, that I started to perceive the urgency to have money. Abundantly.

How do I acquire money? I mean money in abundance?

From my observation most of the millionaires in this world acquire their wealth in the following ways:

1. By being a celebrity. This means I grab or manage to achieve a certain status in the society that in return bring me fame. This means either I am incredibly talented in one particular field for example singing, dancing, acting, public speaking, or I manage to get famous just for being my self. The good example for this are those who are labelled as reality stars. Do I have the qualities to fall under this category? Errr sadly, no.

2. By being a lottery winner. This relies a lot on a factor that no one can control? Well, I tried this before and thus far I yielded none. I still remembered very well how I purchased the lottery tickets back in the day when I was till in Switzerland and in the end I did not win anything. The experience did not teach me much apart from the fact that the possibility of getting struck by lightning is somewhat higher than winning the grand prize in lottery!

3. Believing the power of law of attraction. This at the moment the one that I am trying to do. I have placed an order in the universe to bring me 10,000 SGD* and I will see what happens.

4. Last but not least is by SAVING. This is the one that preferable I would avoid. Why? Saving means I become the slave to my own future. I mean at least in my opinion. What I want is that I have millions of dollars when I want it, which is now that I can utilize to achieve bigger things in my life. Not by saving for the sake of the future that may never come.

By experiencing bigger things I meant travelling the world, getting inspired by visiting different places, meeting interesting different people, feeding my mind and soul with the greatest thing that planet earth can offer, finding out the purpose and source of joy that made the very reason I was born unto this planet. Become the man I am meant to be and contribute to society and in the end be remembered for the rest of the existence of human race civilization.

Anyway.

Uncertainty

A quest in the midst of uncertain realm. It is an utter discomfort right at the point of experiencing it. It was a path inevitable to avoid. Every one has been there and will be there.

2011

It is 2011! Finally 2010 is yet another year past. Here I am at 2011.